After some time I was able to lift my head upward and believe in the promise of a sun… but I couldn’t see it and I most certainly couldn’t feel it.
Later I began moving and as I shuffled through the enclosed emptiness I soon realized that there wasn’t anywhere to go but upward. If I was to move at all, it was to leave this place… To seek the sun of the promise, and so I did.
The ascent has been slow and tedious… days, month spent on a single step. I have crumpled and fallen, re-injuring delicate wounds. The work is grueling and the moments of triumph are soaked in bitterness and exhaustion.
But the sun did show up. The fresh air blows free.
I do, however, look downward often, and as I squint into the abyss I realize there isn’t actually a bottom… there was never a bottom. The higher I get, the more vast the darkness becomes. The more expansive the hole. The higher I rise, the more I am certain that I can never escape the hole. It goes on forever.
For every accomplishment, for every step forward, the sun shines brighter but the emptiness grows bigger. I don’t leave it behind… It grows somehow, and it is always surrounding me, no matter how high I get, how warm the sun… I’m always in the midst of endless, forever loss.
The beauty only demonstrates the destruction. The hope reveals the sorrow. I’m moving forward, onward and upward… But the ache isn’t left behind – it’s not down deep in the shadows – it’s everywhere, all around me… only now there is sunshine too.