It is my great privilege to introduce a guest blogger, our precious, ‘Ms. Carrie’. This post is the last in a 4 part series. This woman spent years training, feeding, cleaning, praying for, cuddling, and loving my children. From the first day we dropped off our fat, round 10 month old Charlie Jo, to the last day I dropped off Nora and Graham… She was essential to us. An incredible gift in the midst of a tumultuous, joy-filled season of child-rearing. I am so grateful for her, so tangled up with her… Forever.
GOD was with Graham, GOD was with Kristin in her office when she heard of the horror, GOD was with Evan when he unsuspectingly picked up my phone call.
I think of him everyday. Every. Single. Day. Every time I jog down the steps and round the corner, I see the place where his pack n’ play used to be. I’ll be crouching down to put some dishes away in the back of the cupboard and remember those frantic last moments of pumping and breathing. I think of him every time I see a copy Barnyard Dance and remember him looping his arm through the hole in the front cover and toting it around like a purse! I think of him in the early afternoons at the time when he and I would snuggle into the sectional, drink his afternoon bottle and play with my necklace.
I wish that day would have been different.
I wish that I would have gone down there ten minutes earlier and scooped up a wiggly little drool monster with a full diaper and a toothy grin. I wish the paramedics would have arrived sooner. I wish that I would have had a few quiet moments to say goodbye. The last time I touched him was chaotic and flustered as the paramedics swooped in. I wish I would have had the chance to hold him once he was gone, to feel the weight of his body against mine, to whisper in his ear and say goodbye. When people talk about needing closure, it’s no joke. I just wish I would have had a few moments with him instead of hours with the detective.
I wish I could have saved him.
I wonder… I wonder what he and his little buddies on either side of him did that last afternoon? Probably what they always did – pull themselves up so they were just tall enough to see each other over the sides of their pack n’ plays. Probably hurling their blankies over the side and giggling. Peering at each other through the mesh siding and poking their little fingers through the holes to touch each other. His last bit of fun before awaking in heaven was goofing off with his buddies. I bet he liked that.
Being with Graham his first year of life was an honor. All the good moments along with the unglamourous ones. We did that first year of life together! This little soul that I only knew for eleven short months will be a tool that GOD will use in my life at every turn. God will continue to teach and minister to me through Graham’s life, forever. I will always be grateful for that. Was this a traumatic event? Yes, but it has led to so much more.
When well meaning friends say things like, “What a awful experience that must have been for you!” they don’t realize that this experience isn’t over. This is something that we will experience until we make our own journey into heaven. GOD will continue his never ending work in me, in Kristin, in Evan through this experience.
This experience never ends.